What is Compassion? A Guide to Karuna & Self-Compassion

"How can I help?"

If you gave me four words to summarize compassion, it would be those.

True compassion is something most people really struggle with. Sympathy? Sure, easy. Empathy? That one requires a little more work. But compassion? Few of us even understand what that word really means.

Sympathy simply acknowledges the pain or suffering of another. It's often expressed without any real thought or consideration. Empathy is a step further. It's actually understanding and sometimes even feeling the suffering of others. It's able to look at the situation from their point of view, so it brings us a little bit closer. However, compassion is the actual desire to alleviate that suffering. To actually do something. To help.

In Buddha's teachings, we use the word Karuna. The traditional definition describes it as the wish to remove bane and sorrow from fellow beings (ahita-dukkha-apanaya-kāmatā). The texts also describe it beautifully as "the trembling of the heart" (hadaya-kampana) when we witness someone in pain. Compassion isn't just an idea. It's something that moves through the body.

Karuna is the second of the four Brahmaviharas, the divine abidings. It grows naturally out of Metta, loving-kindness. (If you haven't read it yet, here's the post on what Metta meditation actually is.) When you truly wish someone well, you can't also wish them to suffer. Compassion is what Metta does when it meets pain.

The 5th-century scholar-monk Buddhaghosa, in his great commentary the Visuddhimagga, defined Karuna as having the function of finding others' suffering unbearable, manifesting as non-cruelty. When it succeeds, it reduces cruelty in the world. When it fails, it produces personal distress.

The near and far enemies

Theravada teachings warn us about two things that can derail compassion. The obvious one we refer to as the far enemy, the direct opposite, which is cruelty. The trickier one we call the near enemy, because it sits so close to compassion that it often masquerades as the real thing. The near enemy of compassion is pity (or sometimes despair).

Pity can place us above the other. It can be condescending, even contemptuous. Despair becomes overwhelming, so we feel helpless and unable to actually help.

True compassion looks without judgment, without criticism, without blame. It simply wants to help. We don't collapse into the other person's pain, and we don't back away from it. We stay close enough to be useful.

Compassion is not co-suffering

It's important to understand that compassion does not require us to suffer with the other person. Compassion is a divine abiding, a pleasant state of mind. It is not co-suffering. It is the desire to help. To be moved toward helping. To actually help.

Compassion does require that we become aware of the suffering. To really see it. We can't help if we don't know what we are helping with. But it doesn't mean we actually can help. Compassion doesn't require that we fix anything. It just means our heart is open to the person.

Often, compassion is just sitting and listening. Deep listening. Thich Nhat Hanh calls this "compassionate listening," and he says it's the kind of listening that can heal others and relieve suffering. Often, just this act, of being fully heard without judgment, without blame, without criticism, is enough to open the door to healing.

Avalokiteshvara is the bodhisattva of compassion. The name means "the one who listens to the cries of the world."

That is what compassion looks like. Listening, with the whole heart, to suffering wherever it arises.

Compassion as the antidote to harm

When we open our hearts to compassion, we give ourselves the antidote to anger. It is beneficial when we are harmed by others because it protects us from those defiled states of judgment, blame, anger, and hatred.

Hurt people hurt people.

Read that again. It is only when we are suffering that we hurt others. We don't go around having a beautiful day and thinking about how we could hurt someone. We do it out of anger, out of fear, out of greed. So when someone hurts us, we have the opportunity to shift. To move away from blame and criticism and move towards compassion.

Compassion requires that we see the suffering. If we don't see, or refuse to see, the suffering of others, compassion will be impossible, especially when they have harmed us. Once we see their suffering, compassion begins automatically.

When we are hit with a stick, we don't blame the stick because we understand the stick is being manipulated by a person. And when someone is hurting you, you don't blame the person. The person is being manipulated by anger, by fear, by greed, or some other defilement. If we blame the anger instead of the person, we can have compassion for the person. If they weren't overcome by anger, they wouldn't act that way.

This works for ourselves too. If you're critical and judgmental, look for the suffering behind it. If you have guilt or shame over some actions or words, think about it... were you happy in the moment before you hurt someone? No. You were suffering. Understanding that suffering is the first and necessary step to move towards self-compassion.

Why self-compassion is necessary

Many Buddhist teachers say something like "without self-compassion, compassion towards others is insincere."

When I first came upon this concept, I rejected it. It certainly feels easier to send compassion to others. They deserve it, after all... I don't... What do I have to do with compassion for them? Why should my inability to be kind to myself affect my ability to be kind to others? Can't we have compassion for them, regardless?

We can, but only on the surface. It will be performative. It will have a corrupted energy. We will be doing it for the wrong reasons. Not because we actually want to relieve their suffering, but because we don't want to witness their suffering. It makes us too uncomfortable. We escape it by trying to fix it, by trying to make it go away. It becomes more about us than about them. Often, we want something in return. Gratification, praise, or to be seen as a good person.

When we explore our own suffering, it's much more challenging. There's no one else there. No one to praise you, no one to say you're such a good person, no one to validate you. It's just you, alone, with your pain. And often a very harsh inner voice is telling you that you deserve it. That you are weak. That something is wrong with you. Even when we see it, we can't really sit with it.

Self-compassion is necessary to have compassion for others. Without it, we don't have the foundation or experience to truly witness another's suffering. First, we must meet our own suffering with kindness, with compassion. Otherwise, we won't stay true when faced with others. Can you sit with your own suffering, become your own best friend?

We are generally unable to really sit with someone's suffering if we have not yet sat with ours. Sitting with suffering is the basis for compassion. Sitting with suffering. Not sitting in suffering. We can learn to just watch and listen with compassion. If your inner voice is critical, judgmental, and dismissive, that will show up with others as well. The first time the person disappoints you, that voice will show itself. The judgment is always there, even if we hide it.

But when your inner voice is kind and gentle, that same gentleness will show with others. You have that foundation of understanding. The patience you show yourself will show up with others. We must develop this kindness towards suffering, and that begins within.

This is why compassion without self-compassion will be insincere. We can only give what we already have inside. So all compassion must start with yourself. It is not selfish. It is the solid foundation which we use to serve others.

How to practice compassion

The simplest thing we can do is sit with ourselves. Explore our own suffering. Build the foundation to help others. "How can I help?" Just listen to yourself, deeply. When the critical mind starts judging, see the suffering in that too. Give it space. Allow it to be witnessed, to be heard, without running away. Without fixing. Without aversion. The same way we will work with others, we first work with ourselves.

We also have a formal practice of Karuna meditation. It works much like Metta. We start by finding a comfortable seat and bringing the mind inside.

Once the mind has settled, we bring our awareness to our own heart. We offer ourselves some words or intentions: May I be free from pain and trouble. May I be free from suffering. May I live in peace. If some recent suffering comes to mind, hold it for a while. Give it space. Often, when we give a strong emotion space, the immediate effect is for it to get larger. This is normal. The feelings may intensify. Try to stay with them, just allow them to exist with compassion. We must understand the suffering if we hope to develop compassion. We don't need to fix it, we just need to listen. Tears may come, anger, frustration, fear, guilt, judgments, criticisms. Eventually, if we don't resist and we just watch, the feeling will begin to dissolve.

We can then bring a close loved one to mind and repeat this process. Really set the heart's intention to relieve their suffering. Offer them those phrases: May you be free from stress and pain. May you be free from suffering. May you be at peace. Focus on the intention and the meaning, more than the words themselves. If sadness arises in you, that's ok. Eventually, compassion will feel like a warmth in your heart, like a mother's hug, a very pleasant sensation.

When we work with difficult people, we can start with beneficial phrases. However, we must see the suffering to enter true compassion. Things like: May you be free from anger. May you be free from greed. May you be free from hatred. These phrases have less resistance because they benefit us as well, while allowing us to see their suffering. Maybe you know more specifics about their situation, and that will help as well.

Sometimes we also need self-compassion here. Sometimes the wound is too fresh and we need to wait until later. Especially when someone has harmed us, we can wait until it's a little more distant.

Finally, we expand towards all beings. Every person, every animal, every living being in this moment who is suffering somewhere in the world. We can not know all of them, we can not reach all of them, but we can hold them in our heart. The wish is simple: may all beings be free from suffering. May all beings find peace. This is the full development of Karuna. The heart that refuses to close, no matter how vast the suffering, no matter how far away. An open heart that trembles for the whole world, and wishes it well.

Compassionate listening

Practice compassionate listening. We have a game to help.

Practice with a friend, a family member, anyone. Let one person speak for one minute. You just listen. You don't reply, you don't interrupt, you don't correct anything. You listen. And then you repeat back what you heard. No judgments, no responses, just what you heard. Allow the other person to correct any misunderstandings.

You can either continue to let them talk once it's clear, or swap roles.

This allows them to be truly heard and understood. It allows you to truly hear and understand them. That alone can heal relationships. I've seen it many times.

Today

Today, notice when someone is unkind. Including yourself. Try to look for the suffering. It could be something in the news, a direct experience, or even a memory... then try to reframe it in terms of compassion.

If you encounter someone suffering, try to sit an listen.

How can I help?

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Frequently asked questions

Can I have compassion for someone who hurt me?

Yes, but it takes time and practice. The starting point is recognizing that people hurt others when they themselves are suffering. Someone acting from anger, fear, or greed is not at peace. You don't have to excuse their actions to see their suffering. If the wound is still fresh, start with self-compassion first. You can return to working with difficult people once you have more stability. There is no rush.

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David and Kira teach yoga and meditation at Heart of Santosha on Koh Phangan, Thailand. If you want to deepen your practice in person, The Heart Awakening is a 5-day retreat at Wonderland Healing Center, June 19-23, 2026.